Saturday, July 20, 2013

Stand Up and Be Counted

I look at you with respect and longed for your acceptance.. you portrayed wisdom and understanding like no other..
We talked and laughed together- we were friends… slowly I was opening up to you, as my friend.
We met at a time when I realized there was a name for the things that I’ve been seeking and yearning in my life…it was timely for me.
Over the months I’ve grown in my understanding.. but in the midst of growing I found a family.. one that I’ve bonded with and one that understands each other.. because in many ways, we have unified beliefs.
DD was not thrust upon me.. it was not presented to me by another… it was the thing that I’ve sought and the thing that I’ve desired within my own life… one that I find important and one that I choose and embrace… I’ve so much to learn, but have learned so much already.
Right now.. my heart breaks and tears have flown freely- the words were sharp and stung.. like a two edged sword.. feeling the pain long after the thrust.
Im sure the intention wasn’t to hurt a heart… but the heart was hurt none-the-less.. the day the words were said… my heart bled.. the wound is not fatal.. but it will leave a scar.
What I felt from you.. was that my presence was of lesser importance.. I have nothing to offer to the community.. I am single and have nothing to blog about.. I don’t reach people like others have the potential to… what I felt was that im of lesser importance than the myriads of others.. that I have no way to defend a cause that I believe in.. and because of that I can’t stand up and fight for the lifestyle that I believe in and have chosen for my future.. I am viewed as lesser in your eyes.. to belong to this community Is quite meaningful to me… yet what I feel is that in your eyes I am lesser than those who have something to offer.. they might choose not to stand up.. but some of us can’t stand because we have nothing to stand with.. our support comes from our presence.. I keep coming back to a place where I have felt I could call home.
You are like the HoH of the room… Your presence in the room leaves me in awe with such respect that I have for You.. im sure You might realize that… but what You didn’t realize was that Your words were piercing.. though you said it to a group… I took it to heart.. I’d stand up, write letters.. and make my point known.. but who would listen.. truthfully.. what of validity do I have to offer to a world that will bash what we choose.. and furthermore.. how could I possibly stand up when I don’t live the lifestyle day in and day out.. but I search for it and will never ever enter a relationship unless this is part of it.. yes. It is important to me.. it is part of who I am and just another facet of me.
So your words were cutting.. I felt like “Daddy has his favorites.. and you aren’t one of them” hurt me because i feel like i've let you down and disappointed you yet there is nothing i can do to make it better.
… perhaps im silly... but perception is reality.. and sadly this is what i percieved.

I cry in silence.. trying not to take it personally.. but my heart hurts.

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