Saturday, July 20, 2013

Stand Up and Be Counted

I look at you with respect and longed for your acceptance.. you portrayed wisdom and understanding like no other..
We talked and laughed together- we were friends… slowly I was opening up to you, as my friend.
We met at a time when I realized there was a name for the things that I’ve been seeking and yearning in my life…it was timely for me.
Over the months I’ve grown in my understanding.. but in the midst of growing I found a family.. one that I’ve bonded with and one that understands each other.. because in many ways, we have unified beliefs.
DD was not thrust upon me.. it was not presented to me by another… it was the thing that I’ve sought and the thing that I’ve desired within my own life… one that I find important and one that I choose and embrace… I’ve so much to learn, but have learned so much already.
Right now.. my heart breaks and tears have flown freely- the words were sharp and stung.. like a two edged sword.. feeling the pain long after the thrust.
Im sure the intention wasn’t to hurt a heart… but the heart was hurt none-the-less.. the day the words were said… my heart bled.. the wound is not fatal.. but it will leave a scar.
What I felt from you.. was that my presence was of lesser importance.. I have nothing to offer to the community.. I am single and have nothing to blog about.. I don’t reach people like others have the potential to… what I felt was that im of lesser importance than the myriads of others.. that I have no way to defend a cause that I believe in.. and because of that I can’t stand up and fight for the lifestyle that I believe in and have chosen for my future.. I am viewed as lesser in your eyes.. to belong to this community Is quite meaningful to me… yet what I feel is that in your eyes I am lesser than those who have something to offer.. they might choose not to stand up.. but some of us can’t stand because we have nothing to stand with.. our support comes from our presence.. I keep coming back to a place where I have felt I could call home.
You are like the HoH of the room… Your presence in the room leaves me in awe with such respect that I have for You.. im sure You might realize that… but what You didn’t realize was that Your words were piercing.. though you said it to a group… I took it to heart.. I’d stand up, write letters.. and make my point known.. but who would listen.. truthfully.. what of validity do I have to offer to a world that will bash what we choose.. and furthermore.. how could I possibly stand up when I don’t live the lifestyle day in and day out.. but I search for it and will never ever enter a relationship unless this is part of it.. yes. It is important to me.. it is part of who I am and just another facet of me.
So your words were cutting.. I felt like “Daddy has his favorites.. and you aren’t one of them” hurt me because i feel like i've let you down and disappointed you yet there is nothing i can do to make it better.
… perhaps im silly... but perception is reality.. and sadly this is what i percieved.

I cry in silence.. trying not to take it personally.. but my heart hurts.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Take me

use me
mold me
stretch me
take me as only You can
Mold me into what You desire me to be
Stretch me out of my comfort zone
That I might serve You
And please You
As I take shape and learn Your ways
Learn that which pleases You
For Your pleasure becomes my own
Your desires become mine
for i am Yours and Yours alone
take me
use me
Stretch me
Mold me
Shape me
Teach me
Hold me

But don’t ever let me go

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Just a Cloth

seeing the cloth.. He picks it up.. inspects it.. feels it.. even smells it... He is pleased with the cloth.. the cloth satisfies Him.. taking the cloth.. He first washes it.. and lays it out..stretching it a bit then He irons the wrinkles out... preparing the cloth this is quite a labor intensive process.. for the cloth had stains and plenty of wrinkles and even frays He carefully cuts away the frays... and begins His work taking His needle and thread of a special kind that only He possesses.. He begins to stitch He has a vision in His mind of what this cloth will look like when it's done He doesn't stop and continues to stitch at times.. He must take out a few stitches where the cloth perhaps had a weakness and begin to stitch again eyeing the finished product.. He picks it up.. and smiles the garment is complete.. and now is ready for My use.. My desire.. My pleasure... he says yes.. He is satisfied... yet.. she was just a cloth (an analogy of how i feel right this second..)

The Storm

The love she had given was real… though virtual at the moment, real none-the less… she gave her heart.. her mind.. her thoughts.. she gave her time.. she made plans… she was at peace and she was happy… to give to this one.. was her very heart beat.. her joy and soon her joy would be fulfilled… she laid down at night in peace and calm.. and went to sleep.. only to awake to a storm that would leave her shaken. Morning comes… the sun had risen… but clouds loomed… the wind blew and the cold rain fell… there was no protection for what would come next.. the foundation that she was sure was built in trust had cracks and the water would start seeping in… She crumpled in a heap…her tears flowing matching the rain that came down… the storm came out of nowhere.. what could she had done to prevent the damage? What did she do wrong promises made… broken and fallen to the ground. Reality started to set in though.. no one is immune from the storms… sometimes they come out of nowhere.. and other times you can spot them from miles away.. looking at the clouds looming… what made her think she was an exception to the rule? You see the house that was built was a new construction… barely a few weeks old… but it was still very real… and very much hers… and one storm was capable to destroy it all… hours and hours of labor only to see the cracks in the foundation with water pouring in.. knocking walls down.. wind blowing windows in…damn storm!!!! Never once did she feel anger for the storm… storms come… but she felt an unshakable grief… can the house be repaired? Or will another storm come and thrash the house again? The walls have been torn down… the foundation remains.. does it get reinforced? Construction is laborious.. hard work.. sweat and tears.. anything that is worth doing takes time.. takes effort.. blood… sweat and tears… fatigue… anything that will stand the test of time and weather the storms requires much. She stands and looks at the broken walls… the roof that collapsed due to the storm.. and puts her head in her hands and cries yet again… overwhelmed with emotion… the contractor of this project made promises that this construction would be strong.. would weather all the storms and nothing would knock the walls down… promises made… yet she loved the way the house was taking shape… storm or no storm.. she seen the potential beauty… The storm showed her the weaknesses of the construction… she completely moved with emotion wondered what she could have done to prevent it… She always hated storms… they were disastrous.. leaving casualties in it’s wake.. no respecter or persons…she feared them… could this house be rebuilt.. could the walls be reinforced… The worst part of this storm… was she was incapable to stop it.. she wasn’t even given warning it was coming… it came right amongst a clear blue sky… she is moved with emotion and tears flow… a raging tornado moving through her soul… where were the arms to comfort her during this time.. again she cried… and there was no one to hear…